


Suicide pills are my candy

by Obsidian_Bandit



Series: Merlin is a suicidal mess fics, aka me projecting onto these characters my own mental issues. [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Merlin is sad, Protective Arthur, Protective Gaius (Merlin), Protectiveness, Successful Suicide Attempt, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, sleep is for the weak, using fictional characters as emotional surrogates ftw, when is he not though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:35:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23324830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Obsidian_Bandit/pseuds/Obsidian_Bandit
Summary: “Dear everyone, I’m sorry,” Merlin began,” I’m sorry for everything that I have ever done to hurt you, and even more sorry for everything nice that I have done for you, as now that all will seem like a lie. It was all a lie.”Merlin drew in a shaky breath before continuing, trying not to let his voice shake with grief.Or Merlin is feeling depressed, so what else to do but steal some of Gaius’s more lethal brews?
Relationships: Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: Merlin is a suicidal mess fics, aka me projecting onto these characters my own mental issues. [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1732966
Comments: 3
Kudos: 148





	Suicide pills are my candy

**Author's Note:**

> So this started out as me writing because I had Cavetown’s song This Is Home stuck in my head, and ended with me killing a character. So. Do with that information as you will.
> 
> Enjoy!

“Are you dead?” Arthur asked Merlin, carefully approaching his manservant where he was sitting on Arthur’s bed, head in his hands.

“Sometimes I think I’m dead,” Merlin started, suddenly jumping up with tears in his eyes. “‘Cause I can feel ghosts and ghouls wrapping my head… but I don’t wanna fall asleep just yet…”

Merlin ended his statement softly, letting himself fall back down onto the bed, head down as his hands fiddled restlessly, as they always did.

“‘Get a load of this monster’,” Merlin whispered, so as Arthur could barely hear him. “‘It doesn’t know how to communicate… its mind is in a different place’, will everybody please give it a little bit of space?”

Arthur dropped down next to Merlin and took the warlock’s hand in his own. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying I’m a bloody monster, Arthur!” Merlin shouted, then let the words hang in the air for a while before continuing. “I’m a bloody monster, and the world knows I want to tell you why, knows I have for the longest time, but I can’t, I just can’t because if you knew what I was you would hate me, more than you already do… you’d cast me out because it would have all been a lie! I’m happy being your servant, ‘till the day I die, I lose this just because it’s a lie… you’re my best friend, Arthur, I can’t lose that.”

“You won’t,” Arthur immediately replied. “Whatever you tell me, you won’t lose me, no lie can make me hate you, I won’t let that happen. Merlin, I already know you’re a clumsy fool, and you can barely do your job, if I wanted to sack you I would’ve done so long ago.”

“You don’t understand,” Merlin looked up at Arthur and smiled sadly. “You can say whatever you wish, but when it’s pinned to the dish with its organs exposed you’ll look at it in disgust and wish me dead. You’ll wish me dead…”

“Merlin, you’re the one who doesn’t understand, I could never wish you dead!”

“Shut up, Arthur! You always do this, you always try and make yourself seem like the best person who understands everything. Well, guess what, you’re not the hero of this story. This time you’re not the one who’s going to save me.” Merlin rose, walked to the door, opened it, and strode out, slamming the door loudly behind him.

Arthur was left to stew in the silence of the room, before eventually deciding to go get help from the only other person who he knew might know what was on Merlin’s mind.

\----------

Gaius had been carefully adding some plant to a small cup of oddly colored liquid when Arthur barged into the room, panting as he had raced over as fast as his legs would take him.

“S-sire!” Gaius exclaimed in surprise, quickly setting down the plant as Arthur hurried over to Gaius and placed both his hands on the older man's shoulders.

“Why would Merlin say he’s a monster?” Arthur asked, voice completely serious.

“I…” Gaius trailed off as his expression changed from one of surprise to one of what Arthur could only describe as melancholy. “It’s not my place to say.”

“Gaius, you have to help me, Merlin’s never acted like this befo-”

“I wish I could assist you, sire, but it isn’t my decision to make. Merlin must be the one to tell you why he’s so upset, otherwise, it will all be for nothing,” Gaius cut him off and seemed to completely return to what he had previously been doing, attention now on the strange liquid.

“Gaius, please!” Arthur was pleading at this point, desperate for answers. For all he mocked Merlin, he still cared deeply for his manservant.

“I’m sorry sire.” Was the only thing Gaius offered in response.

Drawing in a sharp breath, Arthur saw this was not a battle he could win, and so turned and promptly left, amending to just ask Merlin directly.

\---------  
Arthur found Merlin, unsurprisingly, sitting in the stables, petting Llamrei, and seemingly having calmed down after his previous episode.

“Feeling any better, Merlin?” Arthur asked, and Merlin immediately sprang to his feet and began to try and stutter out explanations, when Arthur held up a hand to silence him. “I don’t want to hear any of your half-baked excuses for what happened earlier. I just want to know why you’d call yourself a monster.”

“Because I am one, sire.” Merlin gave him a sad, knowing, sort of smile, it was one Arthur had seen before and he knew it meant Merlin was struggling with something.

“Why though? What could possibly make your proud-arse think that you’re a monster?” Arthur persisted.

“Children can be prats.”

“What do you mean Merlin? I’m ordering you as your prince and superior, tell me what’s wrong.”

“I have an… affliction, you could say. The kids in Ealdor made fun of me for it. I was… repeating things they had said to me, when I was talking earlier…”

This made Arthur pause for a moment. He still didn’t know what exactly this “affliction” was, but at least now he knew why Merlin had acted so negatively about it. Soon though, he had regained his wits, and the prince pressed on, determined to help the black-haired boy that was so close to him.

“What kind of affliction?” Arthur asked, and just as Merlin sighed and was about to answer, Leon came barging into the room, panting.

“Sire, the king must see you immediately, it is a matter of the utmost importance!” Leon exclaimed, before turning and rushing back to the castle.

“I have to go,” Arthur grumbled slightly, then added when he saw Merlin breath a small sigh of relief, “This isn’t over, I will be back later.”  
\----------

But Arthur wasn’t able to return for many more days, the intruders that had invaded Camelot kept him busy for far longer than anyone had anticipated, and in that time Merlin stewed over a decision he had been putting for quite some time, as there weren't really any good solutions. He’d finally decided what to do, and though the warlock wasn’t happy about his decision, an odd sort of calm filled him when he thought of how he wouldn’t be able to cause Gaius, Gwen, Morgana, Uther, The Knights, or Arthur any more trouble. Especially Arthur. It was always especially Arthur for Merlin.

The boy had walked over to the table where Gaius had been in the process of making some kind of poison that Uther had requested, supposedly to kill a few of the invaders somehow. He sat down and took out a piece of parchment and began to speak, words appearing on the page as he did, as he had put an enchantment on the piece of parchment.

“Dear everyone, I’m sorry,” Merlin began,” I’m sorry for everything that I have ever done to hurt you, and even more sorry for everything nice that I have done for you, as now that all will seem like a lie. It was all a lie.”

Merlin drew in a shaky breath before continuing, trying not to let his voice shake with grief.

“I’m a warlock. I’m a creature of magic, a creature of the Old Religion, like dragons and fairies. Like all those evil beings who made attempts to kill every single one of you at some point. I’m like them, but I would never have made an attempt on your life, I love you all too much for that. So I decided that I have to leave, it’s best for all of us. But before I go I have some things to confess.”

Pausing to take out another piece of enchanted parchment, Merlin gathered his thoughts, deciding exactly what to say in what order, until he was sure he could get his points across in the best way possible.

“Firstly, to Gaius, I must confess that your words made the biggest impact on my life. Your words of encouragement seemed to make me fly while your chastisement of my laziness seemed to feel as though you were kicking me as hard as you could. I never let on to this as I feared it would change how you spoke to me, and I didn’t want that at all. I also must confess that every day of my life I felt guilty for all the selfish things I’d done, the things that you explicitly told me not to do, but I ended up doing anyway. I’m sorry for that.

“Secondly, to Gwen, I must confess that though I may have acted a stuttering mess around you at first, I never once truly had feelings for you. For a long while I felt that I was leading you on until I realized you seem to be infatuated with Arthur, which was both a relief and a cause for alarm on my part. I also must confess that while Arthur held so much prejudice against you, Morgana, and women of all types, I never felt that. I knew you were strong, hell you were probably stronger than me! I am sorry for never voicing my thoughts, for never offering the help I know I could have offered.

“Thirdly, to Morgana, I must confess that not a day goes by where I’m not guilty that I never told you I had magic in me when you truly needed someone with magic by your side. I helped you as I could, but I knew that wasn’t really enough, I knew you needed something more. I apologize for not being able to give it to you.

“Fourthly, to Uther, I must confess that I lied to you nine times out of ten when I said I hadn’t told Arthur to do something just so your son could go elope in the woods with some girl or another. Also, you’re the biggest bloody pratting clotpole this world has ever seen. I know where Arthur gets it from, though Arthur is a hell of a lot better than you.

“Lastly, to Arthur, I must confess that I lied. In general, I lied often about going to the tavern when in actuality I was trying to save your life, and it hurt when I came back and you called me lazy, and I laughed because it wasn’t as though I could tell you I’d just been fighting bandits. Also, I loved you. So much. Every single day felt a silent torture when I saw you looking at some women in a way I knew you would never look at me. A way you could never look at me. I’m sorry that I said you were my best friend because that was a lie. You were so much more than that to me.”

Letting out a deep sigh of relief, Merlin picked up the poison in his hand, ready to drink it.

“Goodbye my friends, I hope in a few days you forget about me, and continue to live your life. It’s what you all deserve; a happy ending.”

And with those words, Merlin brought the bottle to his lips and let the liquid slide down his throat, relishing in the thought that it would all be over soon, soon none of his mistakes or mess ups or even the fact that he was magic would matter. Soon it would all be over.

Distantly he felt like he could hear voices, doors opening, people running, but it was all so distant that Merlin just ignored it. He couldn’t let noises that were probably just in his head get in the way of this perfect ending for him. An ending where he didn’t have to feel guilty about his lying.

Suddenly he felt arms wrap around his body, pulling up from the chair he had been sitting in, and he dropped the vial the poison had been in, flinching as he saw the glass shatter on the floor. He was in a bridal carry, and he lifted his head weakly to look at who was carrying him.

“You idiot!” Arthur was shouting, tears forming in the corners of his eyes as he held onto Merlin tighter and turned roughly to face Gaius, who was standing shell-shocked in the doorway. “Can you cure him?”

“I…” Gaius took a moment to regain his composure and look directly into Arthur’s eyes, his own looking defeated and apologetic. “I had just barely perfected the poison, I’ve had no time to make an antidote. It’s a fast-acting poison, he has only around 10 minutes left, I can’t…”

Merlin vaguely felt Arthur fall to his knees, Merlin still cradled in his arms. “Please…. please Merlin, don’t leave me, I can’t do this alone, I can’t be a prince alone, let alone a king, not without you…”

“Shhh,” Merlin lifted a hand to gently cradle Arthur’s cheek, not even reacting when Arthur’s tears began to wet his hair. “Don’t talk like that, you won’t be alone.”

“Bu-“

“It’ll be okay, Arthur, it’ll be okay.”

And with those words, Merlin lifted his head to gently press his lips to Arthur’s, before he could no longer support his head and he let it fall. The kiss was chaste, but it was enough to let Arthur know of all the feelings Merlin had kept hidden away during his time at Camelot. It made Arthur cry even more knowing his feelings hadn’t been unrequited.

“I love you, Arthur, you clotpole.” Merlin smiled softly.

“I love you too, Merlin, you pain-in-my-arse.” Arthur tried his best to smile despite the tears rolling down his cheeks. “Please don’t leave.”

“I have to. I can’t stay here, it would be unfair to you.” Merlin whispered, letting his eyes softly fall closed. “Goodbye, Arthur my love.”

“Goodbye, Merlin. My love.” Arthur whispered equally as softly, burying his face into Merlin’s soft, black hair as the warlock let out his final breath.

“He’s… gone…” Arthur breathed out the words in disbelief, lifting his head to look at Gaius.

“It… it seems so,” Gaius words were choked with grief. “I’m, I’m sorry, Sire. I shouldn’t have left the poison out… I should have told you when you asked.”

“Told me what?”

“Merlin… Merlin is-was- a warlock. A creature of magic, a creature of the Old Religion. That was most likely why he called himself a monster, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, sire, I just didn’t think it was my place to say something… and now look at this mess… he’s dead.”

“What? Merlin, magic? That’s, that’s absurd! He would have told me, would have said something, he trusted me, didn’t he?”

“It wasn’t a matter of trust, it was a matter of life and death. Even if you accepted him, Uther certainly wouldn’t have, and Merlin knew you could never go against your father. He didn’t want to make things harder for you.”

“I’m sorry, Merlin,” Arthur had once again pressed his face into Merlin’s hair, breathing his soft, cold, dead scent. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you, that I couldn’t be there for me… that you couldn’t trust me in the ways you needed to most. Please forgive me.”

And though Arthur knew it was all in his head, he could practically hear Merlin’s reply, loud and clear in his mind. _“Well this is rare, his royal pratness apologizing to me? C’mon, I’m not upset you git, just do better next time, ‘kay?”_

“I’ll do better next time, Merlin,” Arthur whispered into Merlin's cold ear, tears wetting the boy's red scarf. “I swear.”

_I know you will, you royal arse. You always do better._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, and if you comment and I don’t reply it’s not because I hate you, it’s because I’m nervous and don’t know how to interact with people even through screens, I’m sorry.  
> Also, anyone else constantly using fictional characters that aren’t even yours as emotional surrogates? Just me?


End file.
